I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I need moral support for this bender
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
