Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
