it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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