im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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