Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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