Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
