whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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