one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Is it penis luge time yet?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
