took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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