I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
