Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
