TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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