She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
