He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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