Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
If that was your dad, he is hot
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize