That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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