The maid of honor just puked.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize