take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
