i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
