I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
