i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
