u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
