I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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