I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
