So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i've created a new STD.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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