remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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