i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
