i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
