Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
