Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We left the knife in your bed.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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