I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
