She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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