if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
