FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
