I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I need to calm my uterus...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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