FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
