Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
