I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
