My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
