that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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