Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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