They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
