u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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