lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
