apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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