I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
