Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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