I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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