i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
