So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
