Can Purell be used as lube?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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