you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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