what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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