i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
