So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
