So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
