I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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