Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
